Life & death...

Today I sat on an airplane soaring high above the most beautiful white majestic clouds as I made my way back home from a weekend-long visit with my dying father.

Gazing out the window, contemplating so many things about my life, about my father's soon to be death, about regrets, about dreams forgotten and never fulfilled, I find myself crying silent tears while my heart aches with each breath.

I go over and over in my head the words that were spoken this weekend as we each tried to speak from our hearts...I try to remember, not wanting to forget anything my father said as we held hands, cried, laughed, and silently savored our time together. I can't forget. I don't want to forget any of it. I need to hold on to this past weekend forever.

As I lay beside him on the bed which has now consumed him, not allowing him to care for himself any longer, my father says in a a very quiet whisper that is now his voice that he has many regrets from his life. He feels he made too many mistakes and didn't say I love you enough. I tell him he is a good man, a good father, and lived a very, full and rich life. Not rich in monetary value, but in love, family and memories. I tell him that he needs to spend his days remembering the good times, the fun times, and realize that everyone one of us has made mistakes and has regrets, but those aren't what make our lives truly blessed.

I say, more for me than him, our lives are rich and full if we have loved often, laughed frequently, and can move past our mistakes and see those as opportunities to learn and grow.

He tells me that life is too short and he wishes he had more time. He says there isn't enough time.

We need more time to say good-bye, to say I love you, to see another sunrise and sunset, to forgive and forget, to simply hold hands and lie quietly together.

Time.
It slips by so quickly and silently, that before we know it, another year has come and gone, we have grown older, as have our children, and we didn't have enough time to say I love you's enough, or to write that note to a dear friend, or to share a cup of coffee with our neighbor, or to live our dreams.
Time.