Fear...

fear \'fier\ n 1 : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by expectation or awareness of danger; also : an instance of or a state marked by this emotion 2 : anxious concern : SOLICITUDE 3 : profound reverance esp. toward God syn dread, fright, alarm, panic, terror, trepidation

Fear. An amazing emotion. A strong powerful consuming emotion. A debilitating emotion.

For me fear has been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember. As a child I was painfully shy. Fear whispered in my ear many a time that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, good enough...it told me over and over that I would fail, so I found it easier to not try. It was easier, and still is, to hide away somewhere and hope no one sees me. It's easier many times to find all the reasons why I shouldn't, so that I don't.

I've been reading through some other midwifery student blogs lately and one of the issues that comes up is fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of not knowing what to do in certain situations, etc. And it's like a lightbulb came on for me...fear is what caused me to doubt myself so much. Fear is what caused me to run and hide from my midwifery education. I finished my first year and then became convinced that I just couldn't learn everything and know everything to really be a competent midwife. And it was the fear that immobolized me. It put so many doubts in my head and I began listening intently to those doubts and fears, until one day I decided it was easier to run and hide.

I don't want to run and hide anymore...I want to do what the Lord has called me to do, and although I admit I'm still not convinced midwifery is that calling, I do know that I was meant to teach childbirth classes and help educate women about birth. I do know that He gave me a real desire about birth and where He will lead me with that desire we'll have to see.

Here is one of my favorite quotes:

By Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

She says it so well and after meditating on this I know that it is fear that holds me back.
But how do we push past the fear in our lives? I believe the answer lies in faith. When we have faith that we are called to something great in our lives and we have faith to live that greatness out, we can shut the door on that fear. And if and when fear rises up again, we remember that we are children of God and He wants us to succeed not fail.