Fear...

fear \'fier\ n 1 : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by expectation or awareness of danger; also : an instance of or a state marked by this emotion 2 : anxious concern : SOLICITUDE 3 : profound reverance esp. toward God syn dread, fright, alarm, panic, terror, trepidation

Fear. An amazing emotion. A strong powerful consuming emotion. A debilitating emotion.

For me fear has been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember. As a child I was painfully shy. Fear whispered in my ear many a time that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, good enough...it told me over and over that I would fail, so I found it easier to not try. It was easier, and still is, to hide away somewhere and hope no one sees me. It's easier many times to find all the reasons why I shouldn't, so that I don't.

I've been reading through some other midwifery student blogs lately and one of the issues that comes up is fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of not knowing what to do in certain situations, etc. And it's like a lightbulb came on for me...fear is what caused me to doubt myself so much. Fear is what caused me to run and hide from my midwifery education. I finished my first year and then became convinced that I just couldn't learn everything and know everything to really be a competent midwife. And it was the fear that immobolized me. It put so many doubts in my head and I began listening intently to those doubts and fears, until one day I decided it was easier to run and hide.

I don't want to run and hide anymore...I want to do what the Lord has called me to do, and although I admit I'm still not convinced midwifery is that calling, I do know that I was meant to teach childbirth classes and help educate women about birth. I do know that He gave me a real desire about birth and where He will lead me with that desire we'll have to see.

Here is one of my favorite quotes:

By Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

She says it so well and after meditating on this I know that it is fear that holds me back.
But how do we push past the fear in our lives? I believe the answer lies in faith. When we have faith that we are called to something great in our lives and we have faith to live that greatness out, we can shut the door on that fear. And if and when fear rises up again, we remember that we are children of God and He wants us to succeed not fail.

Pursuing dreams...

Is the Lord showing me the way?
You know the story of the man that drowns and goes to heaven and asks the Lord why He didn't save him even though the man kept praying to be saved...the Lord says, I sent a boat, built you a bridge, and sent a helicoptor...what more do you want! LOL

Well, I feel that way sometimes...I'm so busy waiting for some miraculous sign, you know the kind, some neon sign with a big arrow pointing in the direction I should go, that I just don't see the little signs that keep me pointing in the right direction.

I don't pursue my dream of opening a childbirth service in my area because of fear, doubt, procrastination...fear that I can't do it, doubt that it is what I'm meant to do, procrastinating for the right moment. Yet, continually there are those little signs that totally point to this being my calling, and others see it, but I don't, or can't because of the fear and doubt clouding my vision.

There's a line in one of my favorite movies, the Rookie, where the main character is asking his father for adviced on whether he should pursue trying out for baseball, his lifelong dream, and his father says, "it's okay to think about what you want to do, until it's time to do what you were meant to do"...and he means it in the sense that we need to pursue our dreams.

Maybe it's time I start doing what I was meant to do, instead of constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing...how many more ways can the Lord show me?

Time to put my plan into action...time to dream big, and make that dream come true...as my dying father told me, life is too short...

Life & death...

Today I sat on an airplane soaring high above the most beautiful white majestic clouds as I made my way back home from a weekend-long visit with my dying father.

Gazing out the window, contemplating so many things about my life, about my father's soon to be death, about regrets, about dreams forgotten and never fulfilled, I find myself crying silent tears while my heart aches with each breath.

I go over and over in my head the words that were spoken this weekend as we each tried to speak from our hearts...I try to remember, not wanting to forget anything my father said as we held hands, cried, laughed, and silently savored our time together. I can't forget. I don't want to forget any of it. I need to hold on to this past weekend forever.

As I lay beside him on the bed which has now consumed him, not allowing him to care for himself any longer, my father says in a a very quiet whisper that is now his voice that he has many regrets from his life. He feels he made too many mistakes and didn't say I love you enough. I tell him he is a good man, a good father, and lived a very, full and rich life. Not rich in monetary value, but in love, family and memories. I tell him that he needs to spend his days remembering the good times, the fun times, and realize that everyone one of us has made mistakes and has regrets, but those aren't what make our lives truly blessed.

I say, more for me than him, our lives are rich and full if we have loved often, laughed frequently, and can move past our mistakes and see those as opportunities to learn and grow.

He tells me that life is too short and he wishes he had more time. He says there isn't enough time.

We need more time to say good-bye, to say I love you, to see another sunrise and sunset, to forgive and forget, to simply hold hands and lie quietly together.

Time.
It slips by so quickly and silently, that before we know it, another year has come and gone, we have grown older, as have our children, and we didn't have enough time to say I love you's enough, or to write that note to a dear friend, or to share a cup of coffee with our neighbor, or to live our dreams.
Time.

Short circuiting....

So I get home from work...I work the mornings at a coffee shop...and the boys have just barely done anything!!!! The dishes from last night are still in the sink, the dishwasher has not been unloaded, and I'm just raving mad right now about it!!!!!!!
I unloaded the dishwasher and washed the dishes...I didn't speak to either of them, except to sternly tell my youngest to take out the garbage. As I preceded to slam dishes around and bite my tongue really hard, my oldest, who's getting ready to go to a pray meeting at the school, says to me..."sorry, it's not my job"....

***calm***

I know, I know, I should have made them both do it, but I guess I thought it would be a lesson to them to see me so raving mad as to slam the dishes around and pout...yeah, that worked! LOL

So, I take 4 caps of St. John's Wort, breathe deeply, say a pray for calmness and direction, and throw (quite literally!) a load of clothes in the washer...

***breathe***

I feel I should quit my job...but we need the money.
I feel I should just throw my kids in school...but I know that homeschooling is best.
I feel I should not even try to live my dream...but it's in my heart and soul.
I feel I should give up everything that is me...but then who would I be??
I feel like screaming right now...but I won't...but I really want to....

***sigh***

The job of a mother is definitely the hardest job there is...

***calm***

A new year, a new blog...the journey continues...

Well, here it is 2007. How did it get to be another year already?? It's true what my mother used to say...the older you get the faster the years fly by.

I've decided to blog again...out with the old, in with the new...a new blog that is.

Last year was full...full of joy, heartache, determination, indecisions, hopefullness, hopelessness, courage, fear, hanging on, letting go.

The new year holds promises of much to come...the determination to fulfill my dream of opening a childbirth service, my renewed faith and courage to live life to it's fullest and kick my fears in the rearend, my oldest son learning to drive, and sadly, the inevitable loss of my father to the cancer that has swiftly invaded his body for a second time.

As I've so aptly named my new blog, I am indeed on a journey, a journey of my lifetime. It's through this journey I grow, learn, love, laugh, cry, and become all that I was meant to be. I'm ready to be that person. Ready to shed the mask that I so frequently wear, hiding behind my fears and allowing my doubts to overshadow my abilities and strengths.

So, welcome 2007. Watch out, here I come!